Remember when marriage vows actually meant something? Couples actually would adhere to “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” The phrase, all the days of my life seem to actually mean, “until we come to a major hurdle in our marriage.”
A friend recently wrote to me that she noticed many of her friends who have been married for five to 10 years, or sometimes longer, have been getting divorced. I can immediately identify with her concern because my parents contribute to the statistic of 45 to 50 percent of couples getting a divorce. At the end of the day you are making an eternal commitment to another, but with divorce as an option there is always a way out.
Now, every situation is different. Some couples should have never been married in the first place or some may have changed so drastically over the course of the marriage that it couldn’t possibly work. What about all the other couples that did love each other at one time and just gave up? I believe that a person’s parents and upbringing truly influence who you become. For example, if your parents fought constantly, you may have the tendency to fight with your significant other or if one of your parents have been married two, three or even four times, you may have the tendency to follow in their footsteps. Obviously, the chain of negativity can be broken with a conscious effort. After my friend brought it to my attention, I realized that people grow, but more often apart than together, which inevitably leads to divorce.
There are so many avenues to try to break the cycle and prevent the permanent separation. The obvious would be to seek counseling. From my perspective, the problem with counseling is normally only one person actually wants to go while the other is along for the ride. I am a firm believer in: if you don’t want to change, you never will.
Another suggestion would be to learn to cope with the daily stressors of a relationship. It is difficult to try to combine two people’s lives. Everyone does things differently, for example, he may like to come home from work and just relax rather than be immediately bombarded with nagging. Learning your partner’s quirks will make life much easier for both of you.
If you haven’t realized this already, doing something that constantly irritates your partner will take a toll on them and your relationship. Who wants to spend 15 or more years defending yourself? This behavior will lead to destruction every time. A great example is jealousy. If you have jealousy issues and you can’t rid yourself of the feelings, it could lead to cheating or even the demise of your relationship. Changing your behavior is hard to do; the first step is to admit that you could use some change. If you know me, this is the hardest step, but if you actually want your relationship or marriage to work, then small changes and some effort really go a long way.
Do you think married couples give up too easily? What steps do you suggest to make forever really mean, forever?
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Yes couples often give up way too easily on marriage, and go in thinking well if doesn’t work we’ll get a divorce. My wife and I aren’t a perfect couple by any means. We’ve only been married for 8 years, but for us divorce isn’t an option. It’s not even on the table, or near the table for tht matter. Once you remove divorce as option, it reqires that you cooperate, learn to live together, communicate. Marriages need to be measured in decades not years. Getting to really know and be comfortable with your spouse takes time, and working through problems takes time. When I said till death, I meant it. That means I take the wonderful and the terrible. Love is way more about action and commitment than it is about feeling.